“Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight and understanding”. Proverbs 3:5

I remember sitting on the floor one day crying my eyes out, when I came across this reading… For some reason, it resonated with me and I found myself reading it several times over.

I began to question whether this was at all possible.

Should I trust God completely? Entirely?

And if so, what exactly did this mean?

At this point in my life, I had been trying to conceive for a year. For some of you reading this, you may be thinking, ‘a year? that’s not long! – well for me, it seemed like a lifetime.

The previous year I had fallen pregnant unexpectedly. It was definitely unplanned and although i was shocked and unprepared; I was happy. And both my partner and I, embraced this wholeheartedly.

Then, out of nowhere. I miscarried.

After falling in love with the idea, telling all our family and friends and feeling surrounded by bliss; I miscarried.

I did not understand it. I could not grasp it. And for almost ten months afterwards, i cried everyday. Literally. Every day.

Soon after this, my husband and I decided to start trying for another child. After a few months of being unsuccessful we began to wonder what was going on. We were both young; early twenties. We were healthy. Why was this not happening?

After a year of trying to no avail, we approached our doctors. They too were perplexed and advised us to continue trying, which we did, but again, nothing was happening. Several referrals later, my husband and I found ourselves undergoing tests after tests after tests.

Whereas my husband seemed to deal with it all well, I found it all very intrusive and very difficult to deal with emotionally. With every internal scan, blood test, probing and examining – I found myself slowly breaking.

Finally, a diagnosis was given; Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I began regular cycle monitoring and felt a hope that this might happen for us.

Then, I was told that my ovaries were blocked. I was advised to undergo surgery that could perhaps clear the blockage but was also advised that i may have to consider IVF.

IVF. We were not entitled to free treatment and we could not afford it.

This was all too much for me.

To be honest with you,

I was tired.

Tired of crying. Tired of trying. And tired of being hopeful.

That’s it i thought. I give up.

Then i came across that passage that day…

“Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight and understanding”. Proverbs 3:5

Could I? I thought. Should I?

What did this mean?

I had to really ask myself this question. What did this mean for me? I had been praying throughout this whole process but nothing had happened. What would make this time any different? What could I change? And then it came to me.

My attitude.

Someone said to me a while back, ‘When you pray to God, you are placing all of your worries, all of your troubles in his hands. You are asking him for his help. You are asking him to take control. BUT when you continue to worry about it; you are taking it back out of his hands’.

“Cast your burdens onto Jesus; because he cares for YOU”.

I finally understood.

All of this time I had been praying, asking for help. Yes I occasionally had hope, but i had a defeatist attitude. So why was i bothering to ask for help when i already ‘knew’ that nothing would come of it?

Right there and then, i let go.

No, this did not mean that i stopped going to the doctors, stopped researching, stopped trying; I still did all those things, but i stopped being reliant on man. I started relying only on the one person who had the power to do anything.

Each month that i took a pregnancy test and it was negative; yes i cried. But i also got down on my knees and thanked God for my many blessings. Thanked God for always being with me. Thanked God for having control over my life journey. And thanked God for allowing me to get up from my knees and continue on with my day.

You see, I had a new attitude. If it was in God’s plan for me to have another child one day; i would. If God had other plans for me; praise him, because he knew best. I had to accept this. However hard it was, i had to understand that i did not know what was best for me. Once i realised that; i was free. I felt at peace.

Some time later, i became pregnant. And no, weirdly enough, i do not know how much time passed before God placed a child within me. Why? I stopped acknowledging time. I had truly, let go and let God.

If this pregnancy is successful, or if it does not work out the way that i had hoped; i thank God anyway. Because this lesson that I have learnt, is worth far more.

“Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight and understanding”. Proverbs 3:5